Today the Eastern and Western churches celebrate the solemnity of the holy apostles Peter and Paul. According to an ancient tradition, they were martyred on this day in Rome in the year 64.
One of the readings from the Gospel related to this commemoration contains the following words: “Jesus said to him, ”Feed my sheep. Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you girded yourself and walked where you would; but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will gird you and carry where you do not wish to go.” (Jn 21.18)

Since Brian had his fall(s), many things have changed in the life of the community. We have all been affected by these new circumstances but , of course, he had to carry the burden of coping with the physical problems and subsequent lack of independence. I had to ask myself many times, how I would cope in a situation like that. We all like to be independent and self-sufficient. Maybe it is part of our individualistic western culture to put such an emphasis on being able to do things by ourselves. However, sooner or later it comes a time in our life when we can no longer do the things that we used to do and we become utterly dependent on others.

Sometimes it is a physical or mental condition that set the boundaries of what we are able to do, but it is not so simple, I reckon. Even though we enjoy good health, that doesn’t mean we are totally free to do whatever we want. We all have some limitations in one way or another and after all, we all depend on someone else, even though we might not be aware of that.
Joining a religious order meant for me to give up a lot of things of my former life. It meant to rely on the community for everyday needs like food, clothing and accommodation. I am not in control of my income as I used to be when I was working. My life has become much more regulated through my daily office of prayer, my commitments and responsibilities towards the community and other people. Paradoxically I was probably freer before I joined SSF! But is it really so? Sometimes it is how we perceive things that makes our reality and not how things actually are.
To some extent it is true that I had more chances to make my own decisions before I joined SSF but at the same time I recall quite well, I felt sometimes lost and purposeless. So, the real struggle isn’t probably accepting the new limitations to my personal freedom but to adjusting to this new role and life. As I move along in my noviciate towards the day I am called to actually take the vows, I realize that I have probably given up just the illusion of freedom and that the real freedom lies in fulfilling your own’s sense of calling.

In this fast changing world, it isn’t always easy to discern our own vocation and purpose: we seem to have so many roads ahead of us, everything seems to attainable in due course and time… I have to admit that sometimes I recall choices I made in my past and find myself wondering what would have happened if I had done something else. Have I always made the right choices? I don’t believe so. I know I made many mistakes in past . I know some people say that they would do everything again if they had the chance to turn back time. I am not so sure. There are things I probably wouldn’t do again. But you never know what comes next. Maybe religious life is also there to teach you how to let go. By living this life we learn that we are not in control and as we get older, the margin of our intervention in our and other people’s lives narrows more and more. Probably we should make good use of the time when we are in good health to prepare ourselves for the time of difficulty, when even our body will seem a stranger to us, and that will almost certainly happen one day to most of us. There is a famous prayer that goes roughly like this:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference

Still a very powerful prayer that is worth remembering in good and bad times.